This post may be a little awkward to write without making it seem like I am somehow disconnected with my extended family, but that is absolutely not the attitude I want to put out; I would like to, however, focus on the neighborly love we are so lucky to have.
I have only very briefly talked about my grandmother passing last Spring, and I still don't have all of the words I need to do so, but it is still devastating. She is the first person who I have actually known who has died, and it's been tough to deal with because it has made me rethink a lot of spiritual convictions I have held for a long time. Somehow I don't think I knew exactly how love feels until now that she's gone, but I'm happy she was, in death, able to teach me another lesson. I realized that I believe in heaven, because I just have to. She can't be gone.
But anyways, this thanksgiving was the first we have spent without her at least since we moved to Cleveland, and I don't really remember a thanksgiving before then. We ended up not even getting together with any of our extended family from that side, and there's no explanation as to why not, but it just didn't happen.
All of these things culminated into an awkward excitement about going home and seeing my family and eating food and of totally dreading a thanksgiving dinner without my grandma.
That, and I've been kind of tearful lately at very random things (for example, a Sarah Mclachlan dog commercial could probably take me down right now) so I was also dreading that I would almost definitely cry at dinner. Spoilers: I didn't, but I almost did.
So we ate dinner together and it was delicious and of course lovely to have the family back together for the first time since labor day, but it was after dinner that the magic happened. We (I) invited our dear old friends and neighbors over for dessert. After having spent the day in a weird familial isolation, the Strohs and Pirnats and Jaime walking in was nothing short of a family reunion.
They walked in the door and we knew we weren't alone. The kids hung out like cousins and the parents told stories like they were siblings. I don't really even know what to say other than that having family is nice, and I'm so thankful to have the family that I have, blood related and not. Miracle of human consciousness and everything.
Also, I have been writing this blog for two years now! If you're still reading this, I thank you.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
On addiction
I've had a long-standing addiction to music and that goes without saying. Still I said it. Redundancy. But other addictions, unhealthy addictions, are new to me. For example, I started smoking kind of as a regular part of my drunken routine recently. It would be better if I could unpair drinking from smoking so that I could ONLY smoke but that's not as easy as it seems it could be. I'm not sure which is a less expensive habit. Or addictive. I could probably just drink for free on the weekends at parties and not smoke but I think that's something only for the socially able. Like, I'm awkward, so I drink before parties so that I hate them less and I smoke at parties because you automatically make friends at parties when you're part of the smoking crowd. And you make friends with the cool people. That, and the white trash.
I think that addiction is something I might want to conquer in my novel for NaNoWriMo. Just a characters personal struggle with it... obviously because I'm having a personal struggle with it. I could write really honestly about the mental hardships of moving away for college, and of course also about the awesome things about it. In some ways it's similar to high school because the bad parts are bad and stressful and hard but the good parts are so good. And in a lot of ways it's better than high school but I think it's the same. I feel better, as a whole, because I'm out there trying. I'm at least doing something. But it feels the same because that's my disposition. That's how I feel, as a person, always.
So I just keep telling myself "It's not a problem until you're thirty."
And it's kind of true, mostly not though. I mean... it's a problem no matter what. It's always detrimental to my health. But if it's what is making me feel free and alive then that's what I am supposed to be doing. I honestly and truly believe that experiencing human consciousness as fully as possible is the way life is supposed to be lived, so that's the goal. And I'm going to be smoking and drinking and traveling and studying and loving and living until I find that I need to experience human consciousness in a different way.
I like the idea that life is lived in phases. I like the idea that my grandma got the chance to read a lot of books before she died. It's sad that she lived alone, although she wanted to, but I'm glad that she got time to know herself before she left herself. Maybe that's sad. I don't think I want that, but I don't think I'll ever want a new phase of my life. I think it will happen, and only then will I realize it's wonderful. My whole life is wonderful.
I can't tell if this in insightful or just drunk because I'm on my 3rd large cup of wine. In some ways I can't wait until I'm thirty to have glasses of wine, instead of large cups of wine, but then I will also have the problems I'm making now. I mean, I don't think I'm ever going to be an alcoholic (but then again I don't think anyone ever sees themselves growing up and becoming an alcoholic). Still, it would never be me. I'm too introverted and existentialist for that shit. But I could see myself becoming a writer holed up in an apartment in a big city in Europe smoking a lot. And lung cancer would be terrible, obviously, and it's ironic that I smoke at all because I hate when I get so sick that I can barely breathe and I KNOW how that feels. And my dad smokes, which I always hated. I still do, because he's way past thirty, but I understand it now. Or rather, I've always understood it but now I understand it even better.
So addiction is complicated, but that's how everything is. Complicated. Life is complicated. Life is a game of chance; so is smoking.
Other thought: smoking is both the most personal and most social thing I know. Everyone who smokes bonds over it but it means something else to each individual who is smoking. Each person has their own thoughts about the dirty cigarette, and the beautiful smoke itself. I don't think there's anyone out there who is able to smoke and just believe that it's safe, or anyone I know anyways. Everyone can think of someone who hates them for their nasty habit. And everyone who can think of someone who knows that their nasty habit doesn't matter at all; but somehow this person's opinion matters less. I'll never know why I view the negative opinion with so much more strength than I view the neutral or positive or agreeable one.
God I can't wait to snowboard this Winter. I haven't felt like that in forever.
I think that addiction is something I might want to conquer in my novel for NaNoWriMo. Just a characters personal struggle with it... obviously because I'm having a personal struggle with it. I could write really honestly about the mental hardships of moving away for college, and of course also about the awesome things about it. In some ways it's similar to high school because the bad parts are bad and stressful and hard but the good parts are so good. And in a lot of ways it's better than high school but I think it's the same. I feel better, as a whole, because I'm out there trying. I'm at least doing something. But it feels the same because that's my disposition. That's how I feel, as a person, always.
So I just keep telling myself "It's not a problem until you're thirty."
And it's kind of true, mostly not though. I mean... it's a problem no matter what. It's always detrimental to my health. But if it's what is making me feel free and alive then that's what I am supposed to be doing. I honestly and truly believe that experiencing human consciousness as fully as possible is the way life is supposed to be lived, so that's the goal. And I'm going to be smoking and drinking and traveling and studying and loving and living until I find that I need to experience human consciousness in a different way.
I like the idea that life is lived in phases. I like the idea that my grandma got the chance to read a lot of books before she died. It's sad that she lived alone, although she wanted to, but I'm glad that she got time to know herself before she left herself. Maybe that's sad. I don't think I want that, but I don't think I'll ever want a new phase of my life. I think it will happen, and only then will I realize it's wonderful. My whole life is wonderful.
I can't tell if this in insightful or just drunk because I'm on my 3rd large cup of wine. In some ways I can't wait until I'm thirty to have glasses of wine, instead of large cups of wine, but then I will also have the problems I'm making now. I mean, I don't think I'm ever going to be an alcoholic (but then again I don't think anyone ever sees themselves growing up and becoming an alcoholic). Still, it would never be me. I'm too introverted and existentialist for that shit. But I could see myself becoming a writer holed up in an apartment in a big city in Europe smoking a lot. And lung cancer would be terrible, obviously, and it's ironic that I smoke at all because I hate when I get so sick that I can barely breathe and I KNOW how that feels. And my dad smokes, which I always hated. I still do, because he's way past thirty, but I understand it now. Or rather, I've always understood it but now I understand it even better.
So addiction is complicated, but that's how everything is. Complicated. Life is complicated. Life is a game of chance; so is smoking.
Other thought: smoking is both the most personal and most social thing I know. Everyone who smokes bonds over it but it means something else to each individual who is smoking. Each person has their own thoughts about the dirty cigarette, and the beautiful smoke itself. I don't think there's anyone out there who is able to smoke and just believe that it's safe, or anyone I know anyways. Everyone can think of someone who hates them for their nasty habit. And everyone who can think of someone who knows that their nasty habit doesn't matter at all; but somehow this person's opinion matters less. I'll never know why I view the negative opinion with so much more strength than I view the neutral or positive or agreeable one.
God I can't wait to snowboard this Winter. I haven't felt like that in forever.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
reasons
Reason #1 I love this University
Going to a huge school is annoying mostly only in trivial things. Like, at any given time in a day you can end up waiting 10 minutes in line for food. And walking around pre-coffee on your way to a morning class and theres so many people everywhere, you can't help but feel like an ant in a colony. Nevertheless, the advantages of being somewhere where so many people contribute is that diversity is unavoidable in the best possible way. I was thinking that I haven't started learning a new language in awhile so maybe I should schedule an 1101 class next semester in something random with a different alphabet and BAM Ohio State offers 32 languages. THIRTY TWO. Like, fun right? So fun! Most languages don't offer 1101 classes second semester though, so instead I'll probably have to wait until first semester next year, but I'm thinking about taking Russian or Hindi. Maybe Chinese? I really don't care what it is so long as it is useful and has a cool alphabet.
Reason #1 I love Ohio
Weather.
Reason #1 I hate Ohio
Weather.
Fall in Ohio is so beautiful on the good days. I'm sitting outside right now and the trees and grass and brick buildings and sun and everything is a painting. I could cry*. And the wind is so perfect and it's warm. Nothing like a sunny day to put me in a perfect mood. Then again I the sentence I say the most in the winter is, no doubt about it, I fucking hate Ohio. But like.. snow man. Snow is tough to deal with sometimes.
Also: announcements!
I am planning on doing NaNoWriMo this year. I'm not really sure what to write about but I have a feeling it will end up being at least a little bit autobiographical. I've also always had this weird idea that authors should include a soundtrack to go with their books so I will definitely be sure to include that.
And I got that OSU blogging gig I applied for so I'm so excited to start writing for that! In case you were wondering. Not that I have readers of this.
*I've been feeling like crying at things that aren't sad in college a lot. I don't know why, maybe this is adulthood. I feel like crying that I'm an adult now too.
Going to a huge school is annoying mostly only in trivial things. Like, at any given time in a day you can end up waiting 10 minutes in line for food. And walking around pre-coffee on your way to a morning class and theres so many people everywhere, you can't help but feel like an ant in a colony. Nevertheless, the advantages of being somewhere where so many people contribute is that diversity is unavoidable in the best possible way. I was thinking that I haven't started learning a new language in awhile so maybe I should schedule an 1101 class next semester in something random with a different alphabet and BAM Ohio State offers 32 languages. THIRTY TWO. Like, fun right? So fun! Most languages don't offer 1101 classes second semester though, so instead I'll probably have to wait until first semester next year, but I'm thinking about taking Russian or Hindi. Maybe Chinese? I really don't care what it is so long as it is useful and has a cool alphabet.
Reason #1 I love Ohio
Weather.
Reason #1 I hate Ohio
Weather.
Fall in Ohio is so beautiful on the good days. I'm sitting outside right now and the trees and grass and brick buildings and sun and everything is a painting. I could cry*. And the wind is so perfect and it's warm. Nothing like a sunny day to put me in a perfect mood. Then again I the sentence I say the most in the winter is, no doubt about it, I fucking hate Ohio. But like.. snow man. Snow is tough to deal with sometimes.
Also: announcements!
I am planning on doing NaNoWriMo this year. I'm not really sure what to write about but I have a feeling it will end up being at least a little bit autobiographical. I've also always had this weird idea that authors should include a soundtrack to go with their books so I will definitely be sure to include that.
And I got that OSU blogging gig I applied for so I'm so excited to start writing for that! In case you were wondering. Not that I have readers of this.
*I've been feeling like crying at things that aren't sad in college a lot. I don't know why, maybe this is adulthood. I feel like crying that I'm an adult now too.
Monday, September 24, 2012
shoes and laundry.
I have so many different things to talk about today.
1. College
2. Shoe choice at college
3. Laundry
It's really not that many things.
College has lots of facets to it. I will start by saying that I don't think I would have ended up here were it not for the fact that OSU has an Arabic major. I think I would've liked a smaller community of people in a larger city. I do like Columbus a lot and although I have explored a little, I need to do more. There are definitely things I miss about Cleveland, for example, the privacy of our nature. This is a weird thing to say, but I miss being secluded in beauty. There's a pretty garden I should go visit here, but it's not the same as like, the waterfalls in almost-Berea land and the Bradley Woods nature park past center ridge, and the edge of this country that is all of the Lake Erie beaches. Privacy, in all ways, is probably what I miss most about home aside from my family, my cats, home-cooked meals, my shower, my bed (all of which I miss a lot, in that order).
But of course there are the good things, which are my Arabic class and my Social Psychology class. It feels great to be taking Arabic again, I really do love it and never find my class to be a chore. Social psychology I like because of the format mostly. This is another weird thing to say but I kind of do love just sitting there and being lectured to and taking notes. That's what I liked about history freshman and sophomore years of high school. I never studied hard enough to get A's in those classes but I love lectures when they're interesting. And in some ways I love note-taking? I realize it's probably a sign of low intelligence to enjoy such mundane tasks. Don't care.
I also sort of like the social life here. I keep telling myself to just be brave and try to make friends and be social and admit to being a freshman who is sort of lost and fears loneliness. Knowing what you're socially up against and admitting your handicaps is the first step to making new friends. Big house parties aren't that fun because I don't know anyone, so I try to meet people at those parties and make friends. It works about half the time.
Also something college has taught me: be straightforward. Simplify the language you use. Say what you want, when you ask questions, ask exactly what you want to know. Life just becomes easier when you stop avoiding what you want to say for fear of embarrassment. Stop being embarrassed. Say what you want.
The thing I don't like about college, which Marissa pointed out today, is the blatant hatred and ignorance present on campus. This comes with any diverse group of people, having varying beliefs about different subjects. And while the racism here is something I'm a bit more accustomed to (though still not happy about or comfortable with), prejudice against gay people is something I don't think I have dealt with as much, and I have noticed it here sometimes from individuals.
I wrongly (and sometimes rightly) judge people based on shoe choice. This is something I have always done, but there wasn't as much opportunity for it in Westlake because at Westlake High School, the fashion is fairly homogenous as are the people, which is not meant to be a slam on my community. It's just kind of true. There is always bound to be more variation in the fashion choices when the community is people from all sorts of different geographical and socioeconomic backgrounds than a place where everyone is from the same geographical background, and most people are from the same socioeconomic background. Right?
So anyways. Shoes. Obviously most people don't consider their shoe choice to be a personal choice reflecting who they are on the inside, and lots of people don't think about fashion at all, but I still think something is reflected in shoe choice. For boys, there are usually three schools of fashion: well-dressed (this could be trendy, classic, or more casual original style. Either way they look good.), athletic (it is such a cop-out for boys to just wear athletic shorts and sweatshirts every day. Although, if you have the calves for it...), and awkward (examples: white tennis shoes, ever, nice shirt with athletic shoes, different styles of clothing all in the same outfit, etc.) The well-dressed man will have shoes that match the rest of his outfit. From the same type of style, degree of casualness, and/or color as the rest of his outfit. The jock will probably have some tennis shoes or sandals with some mid-calf socks. I get it- fashion is hard sometimes. That's kind of what I see when I see a boy in this outfit. Unless he's sweaty, in which case congrats! Your outfit is activity-appropriate. And the awkward boy often does not match the degree of casualness of his shirt and pants with his shoes. That's usually where the awkwardness comes from. White tennis shoes are pretty much never okay. I'm trying to think of a situation when they're okay, and no, they're pretty much not okay.
Girl shoes are usually a little easier. Of course there are the awkward shoes that don't match the outfit, but then after that everything other type of shoe can really help classify the woman's mood at the moment. Heels? Don't fuck with her; she's important today AND she's angry because her feet hurt. Flats? She's probably looking cute even though it's not required at the moment. Congrats! You found someone who is probably happy. Rainboots? Ask yourself: is it/was it recently raining? If it is, she is trying to stay warm. Wet shoes are the worst. If it isn't? Maybe she's dumb! Maybe there's something she likes about her rainboots.
Disclaimer: Those last two paragraphs are fully speculative. That's what I see. You probably don't see the same thing, but I'm not the only person who looks at you and makes inferences about who you are. So look fly, because you'll feel good about it.
Laundry: I love the laundry room in Drackett. I wish I could reserve it as a study room. It's warm in there, and the chairs are nice, and I like the soft rumble of the washers and dryers. This is why: it is impossible to study in full silence. There is always a noise-- the soft scratch of your pencil on the paper, the sound of your laptops fan, the click of your fingers on the keyboard, the flipping of pages. And those are caused by solo-studying, so multiply that by 5-40 if you're in ANY study room on campus. So, while the laundry rooms are kind of noisy, it's a constant noise that is loud enough to drown out anything else, and constant enough to study with. Right? RIGHT? Yes. Right.
I have more things to write about so I'll probably be back within a week!
1. College
2. Shoe choice at college
3. Laundry
It's really not that many things.
College has lots of facets to it. I will start by saying that I don't think I would have ended up here were it not for the fact that OSU has an Arabic major. I think I would've liked a smaller community of people in a larger city. I do like Columbus a lot and although I have explored a little, I need to do more. There are definitely things I miss about Cleveland, for example, the privacy of our nature. This is a weird thing to say, but I miss being secluded in beauty. There's a pretty garden I should go visit here, but it's not the same as like, the waterfalls in almost-Berea land and the Bradley Woods nature park past center ridge, and the edge of this country that is all of the Lake Erie beaches. Privacy, in all ways, is probably what I miss most about home aside from my family, my cats, home-cooked meals, my shower, my bed (all of which I miss a lot, in that order).
But of course there are the good things, which are my Arabic class and my Social Psychology class. It feels great to be taking Arabic again, I really do love it and never find my class to be a chore. Social psychology I like because of the format mostly. This is another weird thing to say but I kind of do love just sitting there and being lectured to and taking notes. That's what I liked about history freshman and sophomore years of high school. I never studied hard enough to get A's in those classes but I love lectures when they're interesting. And in some ways I love note-taking? I realize it's probably a sign of low intelligence to enjoy such mundane tasks. Don't care.
I also sort of like the social life here. I keep telling myself to just be brave and try to make friends and be social and admit to being a freshman who is sort of lost and fears loneliness. Knowing what you're socially up against and admitting your handicaps is the first step to making new friends. Big house parties aren't that fun because I don't know anyone, so I try to meet people at those parties and make friends. It works about half the time.
Also something college has taught me: be straightforward. Simplify the language you use. Say what you want, when you ask questions, ask exactly what you want to know. Life just becomes easier when you stop avoiding what you want to say for fear of embarrassment. Stop being embarrassed. Say what you want.
The thing I don't like about college, which Marissa pointed out today, is the blatant hatred and ignorance present on campus. This comes with any diverse group of people, having varying beliefs about different subjects. And while the racism here is something I'm a bit more accustomed to (though still not happy about or comfortable with), prejudice against gay people is something I don't think I have dealt with as much, and I have noticed it here sometimes from individuals.
I wrongly (and sometimes rightly) judge people based on shoe choice. This is something I have always done, but there wasn't as much opportunity for it in Westlake because at Westlake High School, the fashion is fairly homogenous as are the people, which is not meant to be a slam on my community. It's just kind of true. There is always bound to be more variation in the fashion choices when the community is people from all sorts of different geographical and socioeconomic backgrounds than a place where everyone is from the same geographical background, and most people are from the same socioeconomic background. Right?
So anyways. Shoes. Obviously most people don't consider their shoe choice to be a personal choice reflecting who they are on the inside, and lots of people don't think about fashion at all, but I still think something is reflected in shoe choice. For boys, there are usually three schools of fashion: well-dressed (this could be trendy, classic, or more casual original style. Either way they look good.), athletic (it is such a cop-out for boys to just wear athletic shorts and sweatshirts every day. Although, if you have the calves for it...), and awkward (examples: white tennis shoes, ever, nice shirt with athletic shoes, different styles of clothing all in the same outfit, etc.) The well-dressed man will have shoes that match the rest of his outfit. From the same type of style, degree of casualness, and/or color as the rest of his outfit. The jock will probably have some tennis shoes or sandals with some mid-calf socks. I get it- fashion is hard sometimes. That's kind of what I see when I see a boy in this outfit. Unless he's sweaty, in which case congrats! Your outfit is activity-appropriate. And the awkward boy often does not match the degree of casualness of his shirt and pants with his shoes. That's usually where the awkwardness comes from. White tennis shoes are pretty much never okay. I'm trying to think of a situation when they're okay, and no, they're pretty much not okay.
Girl shoes are usually a little easier. Of course there are the awkward shoes that don't match the outfit, but then after that everything other type of shoe can really help classify the woman's mood at the moment. Heels? Don't fuck with her; she's important today AND she's angry because her feet hurt. Flats? She's probably looking cute even though it's not required at the moment. Congrats! You found someone who is probably happy. Rainboots? Ask yourself: is it/was it recently raining? If it is, she is trying to stay warm. Wet shoes are the worst. If it isn't? Maybe she's dumb! Maybe there's something she likes about her rainboots.
Disclaimer: Those last two paragraphs are fully speculative. That's what I see. You probably don't see the same thing, but I'm not the only person who looks at you and makes inferences about who you are. So look fly, because you'll feel good about it.
Laundry: I love the laundry room in Drackett. I wish I could reserve it as a study room. It's warm in there, and the chairs are nice, and I like the soft rumble of the washers and dryers. This is why: it is impossible to study in full silence. There is always a noise-- the soft scratch of your pencil on the paper, the sound of your laptops fan, the click of your fingers on the keyboard, the flipping of pages. And those are caused by solo-studying, so multiply that by 5-40 if you're in ANY study room on campus. So, while the laundry rooms are kind of noisy, it's a constant noise that is loud enough to drown out anything else, and constant enough to study with. Right? RIGHT? Yes. Right.
I have more things to write about so I'll probably be back within a week!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Pictures of myself that I like
1. Pictures of me laughing.
These typically come in two variations, with and without makeup. I like the ones with makeup because usually they make me look pretty AND are candid and genuine. I like the ones without makeup because they make me look SUPER genuine, and often are pretty of my despite my lack of makeup. Pictures that are pretty of me when I haven't spent any time on my appearance always boost my self esteem a little bit.
2. Pictures of me outdoors
I just like pictures taken outside better than pictures taken inside in general. But I feel like pictures the pictures taken of me surrounded by the beauty of this planet are always of me smiling and happy. This is not always the case of inside pictures.
3. Pictures of me with my mouth closed (?)
I guess? I mean I just kind of noticed this... if my mouth isn't open because I'm laughing, and the picture is deliberate, I usually like closed-mouth ones better. I have crooked teeth but not crooked enough that I feel self conscious about it... although it WOULD appear that way. Maybe I am self conscious about it after all.
4. Pictures of me with my friends
If you would compare pictures of me taken smiling by myself and pictures taken smiling with friends I will definitely appear way more a) human and b) happy in the latter.
5. Pictures of me doing weird shit
Snowboarding, backwalkovers on the beach, swordfighting on a trampoline, standing on top of big weird rocks, smashing dry wall, etc.
6. Pictures of me with alternatively colored hair
I know that having blue/purple/scarlet/green hair is NOT attractive in a lady. Or anybody. But I LIKE it. So I'm gonna keep doing it. Ask me why. Do it. Ask me. Because fuck you, that's why. I have absolutely no romantic prospects so I'm gonna dress and style my hair as batshit as I can because I don't give a single FUCK what you think. That's why.
This post should probably be retitled to say Pictures of myself that I like and also the reason Hayley doesn't have a boyfriend and will never get one!
These typically come in two variations, with and without makeup. I like the ones with makeup because usually they make me look pretty AND are candid and genuine. I like the ones without makeup because they make me look SUPER genuine, and often are pretty of my despite my lack of makeup. Pictures that are pretty of me when I haven't spent any time on my appearance always boost my self esteem a little bit.
2. Pictures of me outdoors
I just like pictures taken outside better than pictures taken inside in general. But I feel like pictures the pictures taken of me surrounded by the beauty of this planet are always of me smiling and happy. This is not always the case of inside pictures.
3. Pictures of me with my mouth closed (?)
I guess? I mean I just kind of noticed this... if my mouth isn't open because I'm laughing, and the picture is deliberate, I usually like closed-mouth ones better. I have crooked teeth but not crooked enough that I feel self conscious about it... although it WOULD appear that way. Maybe I am self conscious about it after all.
4. Pictures of me with my friends
If you would compare pictures of me taken smiling by myself and pictures taken smiling with friends I will definitely appear way more a) human and b) happy in the latter.
5. Pictures of me doing weird shit
Snowboarding, backwalkovers on the beach, swordfighting on a trampoline, standing on top of big weird rocks, smashing dry wall, etc.
6. Pictures of me with alternatively colored hair
I know that having blue/purple/scarlet/green hair is NOT attractive in a lady. Or anybody. But I LIKE it. So I'm gonna keep doing it. Ask me why. Do it. Ask me. Because fuck you, that's why. I have absolutely no romantic prospects so I'm gonna dress and style my hair as batshit as I can because I don't give a single FUCK what you think. That's why.
This post should probably be retitled to say Pictures of myself that I like and also the reason Hayley doesn't have a boyfriend and will never get one!
Me writing about respect is probably ironic!
I am definitely not one of those people who refrains from gossip entirely, or even at all. I will basically always partake because most of the time, it's not going to hurt anyone and I only tell people who are about as likely to pass it on as say, wallpaper. So, Laura. Or complete strangers. Or I just politely listen. Or I just tell people about the tragedies of my own life so that they can gossip about me because if I were to find out that people are wasting their lives talking about me well, I'd probably be flattered before I took any offense to it. I'm not telling you to go out and make shit up about me or to go out looking for dirt on me, but you probably won't find anything that's so embarrassing I would refrain from telling you myself.
But it is straight up despicable to talk about a person in a large group setting because
1. It's not private. You don't necessarily know these people well enough to trust them to treat the information with a grain of salt.
2. A lot of those people probably don't know who you're talking about very well, which then leads to them making snap judgments about him. It keeps the two people from getting to know each other because someone thinks they know something negative and maybe even untrue about the other person.
3. When it's in a group setting, like perhaps, a floor dinner of a dormitory, and the person you're talking about has to be in the group for say, almost an entire year, you are isolating him from everybody by saying such horrible things in front of everyone. Let the guy be part of the group, let him have friends.
4. He's keeping that information private because he wants it private.
5. This is more specific but the beginning of college is a very very stressful time and you just don't know how well the person you're talking about is handling it. Knowing people are talking about you behind your back does not do good things for your self esteem, and when such a large group is doing it, you're bound to figure it out.
6. It's so fucking disrespectful. Obviously.
7. By leading such a conversation, I guarantee that at least one person out of the group is going to wonder who else you talk about behind their backs. It doesn't reflect well on you.
There just aren't that many people in the world who are legitimately horrible enough to deserve being discussed and analyzed behind their backs. There are plenty of people I don't like but very few who I would ever allow a full conversation to go on about between a group of 6 or more tearing down their character. It's cruel.
But it is straight up despicable to talk about a person in a large group setting because
1. It's not private. You don't necessarily know these people well enough to trust them to treat the information with a grain of salt.
2. A lot of those people probably don't know who you're talking about very well, which then leads to them making snap judgments about him. It keeps the two people from getting to know each other because someone thinks they know something negative and maybe even untrue about the other person.
3. When it's in a group setting, like perhaps, a floor dinner of a dormitory, and the person you're talking about has to be in the group for say, almost an entire year, you are isolating him from everybody by saying such horrible things in front of everyone. Let the guy be part of the group, let him have friends.
4. He's keeping that information private because he wants it private.
5. This is more specific but the beginning of college is a very very stressful time and you just don't know how well the person you're talking about is handling it. Knowing people are talking about you behind your back does not do good things for your self esteem, and when such a large group is doing it, you're bound to figure it out.
6. It's so fucking disrespectful. Obviously.
7. By leading such a conversation, I guarantee that at least one person out of the group is going to wonder who else you talk about behind their backs. It doesn't reflect well on you.
There just aren't that many people in the world who are legitimately horrible enough to deserve being discussed and analyzed behind their backs. There are plenty of people I don't like but very few who I would ever allow a full conversation to go on about between a group of 6 or more tearing down their character. It's cruel.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Putting my feelings into words for the first time in awhile
Every night for the past two weeks I have gotten home from whatever shenanigans I was up to, usually around 11pm, turned on the lamp in my room and looked around. Just looked at the mounds of stuff I eventually need to put in a car and take with me to school. And I just stare at it, every night, wondering where to start. The clothes are going to be the most difficult but I can't really pack those yet because I still need to wear them for a few more days, and then there are the pillows and the jewelry and the books. The books. And I just get so intimidated by my own possessions that I crawl into my bed, which I have been thoroughly enjoying and will be sad to leave, and I begin my nightly Netflix binge and push my stuff and the thought of moving to the back of my mind.
Lately I've been watching Weeds.
But this silence towards all things college, so near but so not even here yet, is not only present in my room but also in conversations with friends not going to OSU. Fortunately enough, it's safe to say that the majority of my friends are coming to school with me, but there are still a couple left over who aren't, and boy have my conversations with them become limited in discussion topics.
With Sam, we just try not to talk about the fact that we've been best friends since we were 12 and that she's going to Chicago and I probably won't see her again until at least November. We talk about how we don't talk about it though. And we talk about her boyfriend, Elliot, who is really adorable.
With Conor we just talk about the past and leave the present and the future to be discussed when the present and the future are the past. We drive around and visit our old spots, Lakewood Park where our initials are in the cement and where the most beautiful Cleveland skyline can be seen, and Steve's Hotdogs which is tiny and a little bit scary but it's cheap and delicious, and we drive in the valley where it's dark and quiet. And we talk about the times we had but not the times we're having. It's okay.
I think that probably at this time in our lives, everyone is feeling at least a little overwhelmed by all of the stress that this monumental move is causing, and it's turning us all quiet, and it's normal. Quiet towards our clothes, and quiet towards our friends. Mourning the death of high school and high school relationships and home cooked meals and particularly cozy beds and big rooms we do not share and the comfort of living with cats.
For whatever reason I feel like if I am not in this state of emotional sloth towards dealing with my sadness of leaving friends and my physical sloth of actually moving my stuff, I will be in the absolute opposite end of the spectrum where every single one of my possessions would be boxed up in my living room right now and I would be sitting awake every night reading and rereading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks in anxious preparation. I can't picture myself at some kind of happy medium.
But the truth about Going Away to College is that I'm never going to stop being friends with Sam and Conor and I'm going to get my stuff together by Sunday and I'm going to get really smart and I'm going to read lots of good books and I'm going to smile at everyone and make lots of friends and I'm going to go to parties with all the cool kids and make lots of good choices but probably also a few bad ones too and I'm going to love the crap out of college.
Lately I've been watching Weeds.
But this silence towards all things college, so near but so not even here yet, is not only present in my room but also in conversations with friends not going to OSU. Fortunately enough, it's safe to say that the majority of my friends are coming to school with me, but there are still a couple left over who aren't, and boy have my conversations with them become limited in discussion topics.
With Sam, we just try not to talk about the fact that we've been best friends since we were 12 and that she's going to Chicago and I probably won't see her again until at least November. We talk about how we don't talk about it though. And we talk about her boyfriend, Elliot, who is really adorable.
With Conor we just talk about the past and leave the present and the future to be discussed when the present and the future are the past. We drive around and visit our old spots, Lakewood Park where our initials are in the cement and where the most beautiful Cleveland skyline can be seen, and Steve's Hotdogs which is tiny and a little bit scary but it's cheap and delicious, and we drive in the valley where it's dark and quiet. And we talk about the times we had but not the times we're having. It's okay.
I think that probably at this time in our lives, everyone is feeling at least a little overwhelmed by all of the stress that this monumental move is causing, and it's turning us all quiet, and it's normal. Quiet towards our clothes, and quiet towards our friends. Mourning the death of high school and high school relationships and home cooked meals and particularly cozy beds and big rooms we do not share and the comfort of living with cats.
For whatever reason I feel like if I am not in this state of emotional sloth towards dealing with my sadness of leaving friends and my physical sloth of actually moving my stuff, I will be in the absolute opposite end of the spectrum where every single one of my possessions would be boxed up in my living room right now and I would be sitting awake every night reading and rereading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks in anxious preparation. I can't picture myself at some kind of happy medium.
But the truth about Going Away to College is that I'm never going to stop being friends with Sam and Conor and I'm going to get my stuff together by Sunday and I'm going to get really smart and I'm going to read lots of good books and I'm going to smile at everyone and make lots of friends and I'm going to go to parties with all the cool kids and make lots of good choices but probably also a few bad ones too and I'm going to love the crap out of college.
Conor and me at graduation
Me, Sam and Laura before Prom.
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