Putting my feelings into words for the first time in awhile

Every night for the past two weeks I have gotten home from whatever shenanigans I was up to, usually around 11pm, turned on the lamp in my room and looked around.  Just looked at the mounds of stuff I eventually need to put in a car and take with me to school.  And I just stare at it, every night, wondering where to start.  The clothes are going to be the most difficult but I can't really pack those yet because I still need to wear them for a few more days, and then there are the pillows and the jewelry and the books.  The books.  And I just get so intimidated by my own possessions that I crawl into my bed, which I have been thoroughly enjoying and will be sad to leave, and I begin my nightly Netflix binge and push my stuff and the thought of moving to the back of my mind.

Lately I've been watching Weeds.

But this silence towards all things college, so near but so not even here yet, is not only present in my room but also in conversations with friends not going to OSU.  Fortunately enough, it's safe to say that the majority of my friends are  coming to school with me, but there are still a couple left over who aren't, and boy have my conversations with them become limited in discussion topics.

With Sam, we just try not to talk about the fact that we've been best friends since we were 12 and that she's going to Chicago and I probably won't see her again until at least November.  We talk about how we don't talk about it though.  And we talk about her boyfriend, Elliot, who is really adorable.

With Conor we just talk about the past and leave the present and the future to be discussed when the present and the future are the past.  We drive around and visit our old spots, Lakewood Park where our initials are in the cement and where the most beautiful Cleveland skyline can be seen, and Steve's Hotdogs which is tiny and a little bit scary but it's cheap and delicious, and we drive in the valley where it's dark and quiet.  And we talk about the times we had but not the times we're having.  It's okay.

I think that probably at this time in our lives, everyone is feeling at least a little overwhelmed by all of the stress that this monumental move is causing, and it's turning us all quiet, and it's normal.  Quiet towards our clothes, and quiet towards our friends.  Mourning the death of high school and high school relationships and home cooked meals and particularly cozy beds and big rooms we do not share and the comfort of living with cats.

For whatever reason I feel like if I am not in this state of emotional sloth towards dealing with my sadness of leaving friends and my physical sloth of actually moving my stuff, I will be in the absolute opposite end of the spectrum where every single one of my possessions would be boxed up in my living room right now and I would be sitting awake every night reading and rereading The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks in anxious preparation.  I can't picture myself at some kind of happy medium.


But the truth about Going Away to College is that I'm never going to stop being friends with Sam and Conor and I'm going to get my stuff together by Sunday and I'm going to get really smart and I'm going to read lots of good books and I'm going to smile at everyone and make lots of friends and I'm going to go to parties with all the cool kids and make lots of good choices but probably also a few bad ones too and I'm going to love the crap out of college.

Conor and me at graduation

Me, Sam and Laura before Prom. 

college blogging maybe yay!

Guess what attentive readers of my blog!  I did decide on a college.  It is OSU.  How silly though really that I'm telling you now, but I just realized that this is possibly the first time I have written since I decided on OSU.  Not that I think what happened would entirely qualify as a decision, but nevertheless, I am a buckeye!

Actually the silly thing that brought me back to this blog is that I am applying to be a buckeye blogger and my application asked me if I currently keep a blog, and I guess that technically, I do.  Well, more than technically, I was a fairly active blogger (which is true despite my low subscriber count, never really cared much about if it got read) up until recently when my whole life got flip turned upside down.

I'll give you a couple seconds to finish singing the fresh prince of belair theme.
...

okay done.  Well anyways I was just checking what the state of this dusty little blog was and I realized it certainly has been awhile.  But when I read the email inviting me to apply, I felt a little tingle of excitement and motivation to go write.  And I haven't felt the urge to write and followed up with actual writing in months, and even more importantly I haven't felt any sort of tingle of excitement towards anything non-academic at OSU since I "decided" I would be going there.  But I have been anticipating college with excitement for years, up until now, when that excitement is coupled with anxiety.

So this is a big moment.  I am excited for something pertaining to the university I am attending!  I am writing again!  Look at that.  How lovely.

If I become a blogger for a much larger audience though, I will definitely need to work on writing conclusions.  They certainly are my writing achille's heel.