Perhaps the most awkward mix of feelings I have experienced is those I associate with being home, and visiting old friends but missing my new home and new friends. Last night when I was saying goodbye to my old choir buds, I felt so sad even though there's a good chance I'll see them again before I go back to Columbus. I just felt sad because I did, because in some weird ways everything we had was over. We're only connected now because we were connected once before; we no longer have together what originally bound us. So I'm sad about that. But I'm so very thankful and happy for my new friends, and I can't wait to see them when this break is over.
So I'm sad to be leaving my old friends and happy to see my new friends, and I almost feel guilty for not being more upset that I'll be going back soon. Or feeling more like I need to suck in all the Westlake I am while I'm here. Why don't I feel that way? I love this place.
I also feel this weird duty to Westlake. Like somehow I owe it more of my time, especially because of what a perfect place it was to grow up, but I also know that being in college is the best possible thing for me right now. I guess I was raised the way I was so that when it became time, and it has become time, for me to go out and snatch life up for myself I would be able. And I am. It just makes me feel selfish sometimes.
Also, when did I become so incredibly self-centered? I feel sometimes like I only have thoughts for myself and only want to talk about myself and this basically makes me a horrible conversationalist. I think that this is caused by the certain amount of isolation that is felt at college. Even at Ohio State where most of my friends go to school, I'm mostly surrounded by people who don't know what I was like in 5th grade (which suits me well, anyways) and so it's almost like every single person is an island who makes friends with other islands, but rarely fuse into a country. I also think that this selfishness (I don't like using the word selfish because it has a negative connotation, and I'm fairly sure that a weird selfishness is pretty normal at this stage in life) comes from the fact that everyone is constantly wondering how we, freshman college students, are doing. How are classes going? How are the roommates? Are you eating okay? Are you working out? Getting good grades? Joining any clubs? How are you doing? And when I ask whoever it is asking me these questions How they are doing? I get the standard "Oh you know, it's boring/all the same around here." Like, whatever man.
I understand why people hate interacting with college students.
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