I feel strange.

I remember the place I was in last summer so well.  I wasn't happy all the time but nothing was so bad.  Nothing was so stressful, everything was easy.  Everything was nice even when it wasn't because I knew that it actually was all going to be nice eventually anyways.  And I remember when I remembered how different I feel in the winter.  I remember having panic attacks because I knew how I would lose myself a little in the winter, like always.  I freaked out.  I had reason to though.

Like always, this winter I lost my energy.  I lost my passion for things I want to be passionate about.  I guess that's not exactly what passion is- when you lose it so easily.  But it is.  I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I'm not doing it.

But you probably remember that I've already written a post about my nostalgia for summer.  I'm just going to keep going with this anyway.

I cannot wait for the minute summer starts.  I'll finish my last final and inevitably Laura and I will cruise around and crank the Ke$ha and cause some ruckus and do something crazy (notice all them k sounds.)  and run away from everything junior year has turned out to be.  It's been a disappointment, it's been a little bit wasted, it's been a lot angry, it's been sad.  But mostly, a disappointment. (I know- redundancy on the word disappointment.  That's how disappointing.)

Sometimes I see my friends decomposing in their lack of vitamin D as well and it makes me sad.  I was kind of comfortable and selfish believing that I was the one who winter really really changes, but I'm not.  We all are a little different, a little harsh. 

And I gotta tell you the truth- I sense something strange.  Something's going to happen and it will be weird and new and surprising and wrong.  It's going to be wrong.  I have an idea what it will be- and with whom, but I can't even say it out loud because it's just so not meant to be.  But what else could be than what will happen?

See- I feel strange.