I have to write a commencement speech for my English class, but I have a problem and it is that I do not believe anyone is less suited to write a commencement speech than me ever. For reasons:
a. For the amount of studying/class-attending/club-joining I actually did at WHS, it's like I didn't even go there.
b. Thoughts of how I have been in high school for three and a half years both make me feel like a champion for surviving but also induce nausea
c. I like to write about writing which makes me poorly suited to write. Like I would like to start off my speech with something along the lines of "When I was asked to write this speech, I was like no way!" or something and that is just nottttt something you can do. The thing about 500 word anythings is that you don't have many words for an introduction so a sentence being like "I hate high school and it is totes uncharacteristic of me to write this" just takes up words and really doesn't say anything pertaining to my purpose
d. I hate high school
e. Having just written a bunch of shitty college essays, I can tell you that 500 words is not enough words to actually get across a point.
f. On paper, you can at least pretend that my writing has some sort of natural flow to it but when I am speaking words you will notice that I tend to jump from topic to topic for no obvious reason (in the middle of that sentence, I picked up my phone and texted him DID YOU LOOK AT THE VIDEO I SENT YOU OF MAO?, thus proving that I am not particularly good at staying on topic ever) but now we know that the reason is because my mind is always in 14 different places.
I could honestly write a down-with-high-school speech if I wanted to and my English teacher would be okay with it as long as I used tropes (which are what exactly? no fucking clue) but I would have to write it really well because that's kind of a difficult stance to take and
I stopped in the middle of that sentence because actually, if I wrote a semi-decent down-with-high-school speech, and made only like 2 good points about why it's a horrid disgusting system, a solid 98% of my audience would probably agree with me and we could revolt and set the school ablaze.
But the reason (this is an example of how I am obsessed with writing about writing) I am writing a blog post instead right now is because I decided that I could just write down all of my thoughts of high school as a blog post because it will probably be fairly amusing considering my stance of hostility towards the entire institution and that is why we are here today. Anddddd start.
I am going to start with a lullaby, because I would like to soothe all of the sleeping people with music before I wake them up with Lewis Black style ranting and yelling.
(to the tune of rock-a-bye baby)
Rock a bye grandma,
in the upper deck
when the grad speaks,
you are so bor-ed
When the baby squeals,
you will wake up
Annoyed will be grandma
Because commencement speeches succcccckkkk
*pause for lolz*
Did the gratuitous amounts of laughter from the entire audience wake you up? Oh good.
But in all seriousness, what a long strange trip it has been. In Eric Forman's basement. See I, probably unlike many of your lovely, motivated children, watched gratuitous amounts of TV in my high school years instead of doing other things that are school related, like clubs and studying and homework. Which makes me an awful candidate for writing a nostalgic speech about high school.
But other than the fact that I lived my high school years vicariously through the cast of That 70's Show, I will also probably never feel nostalgic for high school. Because really, what do you, parents, miss about high school? Probably things along the lines of suckin' on chili dogs outside the tastee freeze, and sittin' on Jacky's lap with his hand between your knees? Well I think chili dogs are disgusting and haven't had a real boyfriend since I was 14, and even then, I probably wouldn't count him as a real boyfriend anyways.
What I am saying is that high school is just what you make it. And when you make it about education or grades, you're nostalgic because you probably succeeded. And when you make it about having a social life, you're nostalgic because you had fun times. But when you hate school and most people, you end up with nothing more than or less than four years of your life you will never get back.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter, I'm just observational. I know that society tried it's best to make me educated and pleasant to be around but alas, I am neither.
What I have found in high school, is that although my teachers have been likable and kind people, and although it is no fault of their own, are missing the point. The point of high school is to get an education. The point of high school is not to receive grades. That is why, I believe, that
Ew this is turning into my education essay (which I got a C+ on, far more than what I should have gotten if I am being honest). I just found high school to be intensely lame and underwhelming. And I am very happy it's nearly over.
I'm really trying to get my most honest thoughts out about it all.
anddd twenty minutes on tumblr later
I DON'T HAVE ANY. NO COMMENT. HIGH SCHOOL WAS NOT TOO TERRIBLE BUT NOT SOMETHING I WOULD DO OVER AT ALL EVER. I'M GLAD IT'S OVER. I WAS MISERABLE LIKE 69% OF THE TIME, BUT THAT'S OKAY BECAUSE EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, SOME ASSHOLE KID WOULD TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ANYTHING EVER AND THE TRUTH ITSELF WOULD MAKE ME LAUGH AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES, AND THEN I WOULD BE MISERABLE AGAIN.
And now, you have been speeched. Thank you, class of 2012, you have been mediocre. Best of luck to you, but only because luck isn't real.
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